14,600 Days.

TRIGGER WARNING: THIS STORY CONTAINS FRANK AND UNCOMFORTABLE DISCUSSION OF SUICIDAL IDEATIONS. THIS MAY UPSET SOME READERS.

1983, Day 1

Sometime between August and November of 1983, I tried to hang myself. If I recall the instigating incident was that I had started to play D&D and for the first time, through the game, had some real friends at the all-boys Catholic private school I was forced to attend. My grades on some recent tests had been bad and the D&D books had been confiscated by my parents. I was very upset and afraid that if I could not play, I would lose my new friends. 

I remember climbing the mesquite tree behind my bedroom, rope around my neck, not yet knotted, just freeing my hands to climb. Out on a sturdy branch I tied a knot after looping the rope round the branch. I had to be careful because the mesquite had long, pointed thorns. Look, I wanted to die, not feel more pain. 

My father found me in the tree with a slipknot around my neck. I remember looking down into his face, pale and covered in sweat. 

Back then I did not know what I was doing; since then I’ve learned things such as:

• soak the rope in oil so the knot slides smoothly
• Short drop hanging will result in slow asphyxiation; I will feel 5 minutes of hell before the permanent brain damage from lack of oxygen starts; 7 minutes or so is death.
• Long drop hanging is intended to break the neck, bringing instant death (I wonder how long the brain survives after the spine snaps? Probably not instantaneous). You have to be careful how long the drop is; if there is too much rope you can actually tear your head off completely and that just creates a huge mess.

I could go through a dozen other methods but you get the point. I have thought (obsessed?) about suicide a great deal. And I’ve attempted it several times with intent to end my life. 

However, suicide is not the point of this story. Surviving suicide is. 

Today I am certain that I have passed the 40th anniversary of that 1st suicide attempt. Against all odds, I’m still here. That’s 14,600 days, one day at a time of not killing myself. I’m rather proud of this. And it has not been easy. 
 

I think I’m alive because I have put twice as much effort into living as I have into dying. Maybe more. The key ingredients to my survival (roughly in order of importance) are:
 

• Therapy: I have been in almost continuous therapy for 40 years. Right now I am losing my psychologist of 6 years and I’m terrified, but I will find a new one. Therapy has been essential for survival.

• Psychiatry: this has not always been a smooth process; my thyroid was destroyed by unmonitored lithium -which did me no good anyway because I’m not bipolar. I’m major depression. I’ve had some terrible side effects; I have not lost the weight Abilify put on back in 2013 although I have worked extremely hard to do so. I have been on about 35 different anti-depressants, adjuncts that increase the efficacy of anti-depressants, anti-psychotics which have off label uses to treat depression. Despite these issues I am very sure anti-depressants have saved my life several times over. I’m back on Bupropion (wellbutrin) only at the moment because I have discovered a different treatment that seems to be more effective than most anti-depressants.

• Psilocybin: micro and macrodosing have been amazingly effective and they have changed my life for the better. I had one very intense bad trip that wound up giving me a mantra that remains effective to this day: Your daughter deserves a father. Your girlfriend deserves a boyfriend. PRO TIP: do not livestream your bad trip on Facebook. You will frighten people. 

• Alcoholics Anonymous: some people will say that I am not sober because I have used psilocybin. I call bullshit on that because I’m not using psilocybin to see the pretty colors. I use it so that I do not self-harm

• Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS): gave me 9 months with almost no suicidal ideation. It has helped by giving me a frame of reference for what is possible. Sadly, after a major car accident TMS lost efficacy for me. 

• Family and friends: without them I would not be here. This includes the dogs and cats in my life. It includes intimate time with partners, it includes having a coffee with a friend, it includes a quick “I’m thinking of you” phone calls. 

• Travel, camping: unplugging from the world, spending time with nature. If I don’t get some uninterrupted time in nature at least every six or seven months, I will be an very bad place.

• Spirituality: I believe in a Higher Power whom I call Goddess. I don’t care what you believe in or if you believe at all. That’s not my business, that is your business. But finding connection and meaning through science, faith, or just questioning everything is important. 

• Being of service to others: when I help others, I feel better, I feel that I have a purpose, meaning in my life. As an alcoholic I learned that when I help another alcoholic, I grow stronger. When I am suicidal and I can talk to and help another suicidal person, I heal. Additionally there is the simple joy of knowing you made another person/animal/plant or even fungus’ life better. Serving others helps them and helps you.

• Content produced by sex workers: without being graphic, I’m just going to say when you are too depressed to approach your own partner, pornography and masturbation is actually quite comforting. I have learned that I do best with sex workers who are actual friends; it feels good to support their business and there is an emotional connection to the person.*

• Exercise: the beneficial effects seem to be relatively mild for me but they are noticeable. If I miss my exercise for too many days, I know it. 

• Diet: I am pretty much keto at this time; it has helped me lose about 30lbs, but more than that, I feel better in general. I am not recommending keto for you. Every human is different; what works for me might not work for you.

• General social activity: isolating is bad for me. And depression REALLY wants me to isolate. 

• Inpatient treatment: as a last resort, it stopped me from taking action to end my life.

All of the above are important parts of my self-care routine. They don’t make the urge to self-harm go away. Today, I again struggled with thoughts of hanging myself, the one method my brain constantly returns to over and over again. These methods and techniques help make things better. 

Living with suicidal ideation is exhausting. But the alternative is worse.

The only thing I want people to take away from this is: NEVER GIVE UP; NEVER SURRENDER.

Ok, you’re right, I’m worthless. But you know what? Today isn’t looking good for suicide. I’m just going to see this day through. Check with me tomorrow. But for today I will not harm myself. 
 

It works pretty well. Sometimes have to do this every day, several times a day for weeks on end. But at some point the time comes when depression does not show up with a bullhorn to announce that I must go. Instead it whispers. And that means I’m on a road to a better place. 

I don’t know you and I don’t have to know you; if struggle with suicidal thoughts, you are my brother, my sister, my nonbinary sibling. We just have not met yet. And I am wishing you strength, power, love, challenges to overcome, experiences to lift you up, a sense of meaning and purpose in your life. I love you and I wish you the best. You are so goddamn strong and you don’t even know it.

14,600. 

I think I will stick around to see how 14,601 turns out. 

* One of the sweetest things anyone has ever done for me came from Melissa, a sex worker who has her own struggles and challenges. I could not afford to subscribe to her content any longer and I figured that since I was not a paying customer, she would disappear and I would not have blamed her. Instead, at a very, very low point she sent me an unsolicited photo of her awesome boobs and wrote: “I know you are down. I hope this cheers you up.” It sounds trivial but at that moment it was everything.