This is going to be a personal diary so if that is not your thing feel free to pass on by.
As some of you might know I was just in the hospital for about a week for depression and anxiety. I literally got out just yesterday.
Today started off to be a horrid day. I went to two md appointments with my caregiver early this morning and in between we went for breakfast. Never in my life have I felt more anxious...I felt like I was going to crawl out of my skin, My caregiver said it seemed like I was going to have a breakdown and she was very concerned. I couldn’t stop being on the edge of tears which is odd for me since I have only cried 5 times or so in my life. But I came home and slept and woke up to a text message.
Not just any text message.
A little background first.
I came out in 1986 the summer between my junior and senior year. I developed a friendship with a person I’ll just name Ralph. I instantly fell in love with Ralph and although he was straight, which I knew and would never try to convert him, eventually I told him my feelings. He was OK with them and appreciated the fact that someone felt that way about him. We remained friends until word accidentally leaked out to others that not only was I gay, but how I felt about Ralph. He was caught in the middle of everything and our friendship ended. I ended up massively depressed and have never felt, since, like I did for Ralph towards anyone.
All the people I have been attracted to have his characteristics and physical traits. All my life when I thought of love, and the few times I felt strongly towards someone he came into mind.
About 5 years ago due to Facebook we ran into one another, as a lot of his mutual friends are my mutual friends. I have not seen him since 1987 but we “friended” one another on Facebook, I apologized for dragging him thru what I did and he told me there was no need to feel sorry, he was very kind and we remained in contact with occasional facebook posts, generic ones, in which I liked something he posted or vice versa.
But I had not talked to him in a very, very long time.
The other day someone else had posted about their first love, so I followed, basically saying (As he posts often about politics and pictures of his family) that I still felt as strongly now as I did then, and found my first love just attractive as I did when we were teenagers.
All of a sudden today, when I was feeling beyond horrible I got a text via messenger that I ignored at first, figuring it would be bad news like the rest of the day had been.
But it was Ralph, sending me a message for the first time in years thanking me for the compliment, that it was a nice thing to see.
It made my day, hearing from him today on all days. He will never know how much it meant to me for him to text me. He, of course, has his own life and family and had no reason to text me, but he did….and it meant the world to me.
So….my point is, when things get you down, out of nowhere sometimes, something can happen that makes life seem nice and kind again.