Clik here to view.
I'm leaving tomorrow for a week in the DFW area. I'm spending Saturday evening and Sunday hanging out with the BF, then from Monday through Friday I'm going to be deep in the archives doing dissertation research. The only thing I hate more than traveling is research traveling. As an anxious person, I have all of the typical travel anxiety, plus all of the self-doubt and impostor syndrome that comes with being a Ph.D. candidate. The day before I leave is when it all comes to a head.
So today, I've been running around like a crazy man getting ready for my trip. It's amazing how much worse my travel anxiety has become now that I have a cat. In addition to doing huge loads of laundry (god forbid I should do that before today), cleaning the apartment, and packing, I also have to worry about the ways in which Zoe might kill herself while I'm gone. Better shut the bathroom door...she might...eat soap or something. Is this bookshelf sturdy? What if she jumps on it and brings it down on top of her? Should I put away these spices? I'd hate for her to get into the cayenne. My brain becomes something like a Final Destination movie as I imagine every horrifying scenario, ranging from highly improbable to completely impossible. In the meantime, I'm stroking Zoe and explaining to her why I'm leaving. I have to go, I don't want to, please understand! It's a pretty sad picture. It does help that I have a wonderful cat-sitter who loves Zoe almost as much as I do, but you know...
Meanwhile, my mind is a whirlwind of other worries, from transportation breaking down to hotel reservations falling through to not being able to find enough stuff in the archives to finding too much stuff in the archives to what the hell am I going to do with the stuff I find anyway because I'm an idiot and completely unworthy of my program and every dollar of funding I've ever received and on and on and on. Anxiety, self-doubt, impostor syndrome...I've got it all.
Through it all, I just keep gently reminding myself that this is one research trip of several and not the be-all-end-all of my dissertation, that the impostor syndrome voice is wrong, that tomorrow is going to come and go, as is the rest of the week, and soon I'll be opening my door to find Zoe--who hasn't been crushed by a bookshelf or ingested soap or cayenne pepper--greeting me with her signature raspy meow. And then the cycle will repeat. It will be okay.
Enya, anyone?
What's on your mind tonight?
Kitchen Table Kibitzing is a community series for those who wish to share part of the evening around a virtual kitchen table with kossacks who are caring and supportive of one another. So bring your stories, jokes, photos, funny pics, music, and interesting videos, as well as links—including quotations—to diaries, news stories, and books that you think this community would appreciate. Readers may notice that most who post diaries and comments in this series already know one another to some degree, but newcomers should not feel excluded. We welcome guests at our kitchen table, and hope to make some new friends as well. |