Before I begin, I just want to say that this diary may not be well written. The mental issues I am suffering from is the same reason this diary will probably suck; I feel like I've lost my writing skills.
Eight years ago, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. I was prescribed Klonopin and Buspar, which was completely ineffective. Finally, my doctor switched me to Lexapro. It worked well for two years until I woke up one morning, and it decided it did not want to work any longer. I was then prescribed Zoloft, but that made me want to kill someone, so I had to stop that. I was then started on Prozac, but that was, like two of the previous medications, ineffective. My doctor then decided to prescribe me Pristiq, which is a bit different from the other medications I had tried. Needless to say, it was a match made in heaven! My depression and anxiety went into remission, and I felt like myself again.
Let's fast forward two more years, and just like the Lexapro, the Pristiq decided it no longer wanted to work for me, so I was back to playing a guinea pig for my physician. I was started on Wellbutrin, but that made me lose my memory; I was then prescribed Cymbalta, but that made me want to kill myself. Finally, we decided to take a chance and see if the Lexapro would work again. Luckily, it did, until just a few months ago. That's where I'm at today.
Since January, I've been dealing with severe anxiety (specifically related to academic performance), and I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm a 4.0 student, so this has really affected my academics. Last week, I was very close to quitting school, but my history professor gave me an extension on one of my assignments, so my ass was saved. As of this writing, I am still working on that assignment, but I can't gather my thoughts or sentences together; I could put something together, but it would be filled with poor writing. I'm not used to that; I write A papers!
My doctor told me we are almost out of options on antidepressants, so he asked if I'd be interested in trying Xanax; I thought about it, and I'm not sure if I want to try it because it's a sedating drug. I want something that will help me improve my academic performance instead of hinder it. At this point, though, I'm desperate. I need immediate relief, so therapy is out of the question (for now).
It's situations like these that make me want to hurt myself. I've been dealing with this off-and-on for eight years, and I'm just tired of it; I get so close to giving up, but my heart will not allow me to carry through with it. In the future, though, I'm not sure if I will be able to stop myself. I don't want to be a guinea pig for the rest of my life. I want to be better.
I posted this here because I know many of you suffer with the same issues, and I would like to know how you deal with them. Does it get better? Would therapy help me? Should I try a benzodiazepine?
I can't talk to my family or friends about this because they don't understand the hell I'm going through, so instead of suffering internally, I thought I'd post this here.
Thank you for reading!