Another morning and I wake up. What’s today going to bring? I take the first breath of the day. My first feeling of the day is not good. I feel empty and depressed. I’m struggling to get up. I don’t want to face the day. I’m tired of this PTSD, anxiety, and depression. Will I have a panic attack today? It’s too much.
It’s only 6 am. It’s going to be a long day.
I never thought I would be in this place but COVID and being a medical professional changed that thought. Now I struggle everyday to keep myself afloat. Why am I here?
It’s now 7 am and I’m driving to work. I’m doing my daily prayers. I’m hoping God is listening. I hope today he takes this dark feeling away from me. Finish my prayers and I put on some music. Maybe this will inspire me or pump me up for the day but I feel so empty and the music doesn’t touch me. When I get to work I put on a happy face. I need to be their for my patients and coworkers. I don’t want to bring them down. Keeping busy distracts me. It’s noon and I sit at my desk eating a peanut butter sandwich. I feel the darkness creeping back in. I try to look at Twitter or Facebook as a distraction but it’s too late. The depression has taken over again. I don’t want to be here anymore. I don’t want to deal with people. I don’t want to have to put on a fake face. I start watching the clock. Time slows down. Please take this away.
I often close my eyes and ask God to take this away. Please just give me a break.
I’m driving home now. I’m alone. I have to drive a hour. The hour feels like a lifetime. A million thoughts run through my head and none of them are good. Ok Ok..take a breath. Clear your head. My head is too crowded. It doesn’t work. It gets worse. It’s like a long dark tunnel and I can’t stop walking further into the darkness.
Why can’t I turn around? Why am I letting myself walk deeper? Am I going to come out of this? Where is the light?
I get home. I see my wife. I feel safe. I still feel depressed but being home is a comfort. My wife sees it on my face. I try to lie to her but it doesn’t work. I spill my feelings out to her. It makes me feel a little better. I try not to burden her. I put on an act sometimes to keep this away from her. She needs a break. She will never say it but I know it’s too much. I veg out watch TV and sit in my own sadness. I smile at my wife. She sees it’s fake. I try not to cry. She tries to make me feel better. She is my rock. I’m grateful that I have her.
Bedtime now..I wonder if I will sleep through the night or will I have nightmares of death or maybe I will wake up at 3 am and not be able to sleep. What will tonight bring? I fall asleep. Tonight is nightmares of the faces of all my patients who have died. It’s a rough sleep. It’s a rough night.
Another morning and I wake up. What’s today going to bring?