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WYFP - Post Turkey Day Musings

So Turkey Day is over, and the dreaded “holiday season” is off to it’s usual mad start.  We had a quiet day on Thursday, my aunt and uncle came to visit briefly and we had a nice meal with all the trimmings — turkey, a beef roast, dressing, green bean casserole, pumpkin pie.  Since it’s only the three of us here usually — myself, Mom and Gran, we have lots of leftovers, though the pie went away last night.  

There was no discussion of politics, for which I am grateful, as I am the only Dem in the family — my aunt and uncle were warned in advance to keep their FOX news  bullshit to themselves, so it was a nice gathering. We talked about family mostly, and the food, and then they went home to take care of their ever growing menagerie of pets — ducks, guinea fowl, goats, dogs and cats — they seem to not understand the concept of animal management.  Every egg is hatched, every male left unaltered, and they can’t bear to part with any animals for fear someone might eat them, so they are overrun and outnumbered. None of the animals receive regular vet check ups or immunizations, they are simply allowed to do as they wish.

It’s the first Turkey Day since my father’s death, so there was no trip to the nursing home to see him, and it was a little sad. My Gran is in a rapid decline, she may not see New Years, and that is sad as well.  I think my aunt is finally aware of how much she has slipped down in the last few months, and can no longer just pretend everything is fine.  Mom and I are coping, and giving her the care she needs, but we are under no illusions that she will be improving, or with us that much longer.

 I spent last weekend in Metarie in a hotel and going to shul, it was nice.  There was a Shabbos dinner at the rabbi’s house with other members of the community, and a lunch after services at the shul on Saturday.  The rabbi gave a class on prayer that I attended, and then I took a nap — too much of a nap — and missed the afternoon and evening services.  On Sunday morning I went for services and a men’s club breakfast, and got to know more members of the community before checking out the kosher offerings of Trader Joe’s and driving home.

Prayer is coming easier now, after some discussion with my therapist and the rabbi, though I still struggle with getting in all three daily sessions — I’m simply not as motivated as I should be; I’m  fighting an ear infection with antibiotics and it wears me out. I find myself easily distracted and sleeping a lot right now, and the words are strange after all these years of being Off The Derech, or not religious. I can only continue to work at it, and hope that as the words come easier the rest will follow.  I try not to beat myself up about it.

I am slowly working on my room — it had been neglected much like everything else in my life of late. I’m not depressed, exactly, just… overwhelmed.  I’ve been traveling a lot in the past few months, and it’s making me worry about money quite a bit, as well as my responsibilities at home. I have a lot of anxiety about life in general right now — Gran, our financial situation since Dad passed, my own future — and I am largely frozen, unable to find motivation or direction. Dad left a small estate, but we don’t have the money coming in like we used to, and we have to conserve a bit more than we did before, and it’s put pressure on us.

I started vaping again, after years of being largely tobacco free, and it’s costing me money as well, but it soothes my anxiety. I have determined I can’t travel anymore other than the trips to Metarie once a month until Gulf War in the spring, hopefully by then I will have my spending under control and will have paid down my credit cards to a more reasonable amount.  I have 0% APR on the balance transfers so I have really have only one card to worry about, but the balance is higher than I would like. I currently spend nearly half my income on paying them down every month, so I am making some headway, but I struggle not to use my card at the end of the month on necessities and have doctors appointments in the new year coming up that may cut into that.

I have the added costs of kashrus to consider as well in the future — we are back on keto, which is meat heavy, and I don’t know if I will be able to continue when I have to officially maintain a kosher kitchen. I have been picking up meat here and there on my trips to cities with kosher markets to make the transition easier, and trying out more vegetarian options, but I worry about spring, and the Passover season. 

My next area of religious focus will be on Shabbos observance, and that gives me anxiety as well.  I find it difficult to “unplug” for 25 hours a week.  I get bored and restless as the time drags on, there are only so many naps you can take. I see the rabbi on December 5th, to discuss my “progress” with prayer and shifting focus to Shabbos observance, and I wonder if I should hold back a bit before starting the new phase, even though that would mean my conversion will take longer.  The Idea of Shabbos is lovely, but the actual practice can be quite hard on your own.  Preparing food in advance, no reading or watching things on the internet, no contact with far away friends — just prayer and books and naps and eating, with the occasional ritual observance at the beginning, meals and the end. In an age of instant gratification, and with the attention span of a gnat, I’m not doing so hot at it now, and will have to buckle down as the new month dawns.  Sitting and just reading a book is hard, though I have plenty of appropriate books to read — I hope I can adjust.

My medication has also been a  bit of an issue as well.  I ran out of one of my prescribed antidepressants and couldn’t get it refilled (I take 2 strengths of the same med to reach my therapeutic levels) and had to use the others to make up for the lack — and I risk running out before they are going to be refilled again. I’m not sure what to do about it.  Somehow the scripts are just not in sync anymore.  I don’t want to go off it, it does help, but not getting enough of the 60mg pills is a problem.

So that’s me, anxiety central. I’m hanging in there as best I can, but I could be doing better.

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