Hello. I am writing this diary as an update / continuation of my previous diary, ' In the middle of the night, ' which can be found in The Grieving Room, a group here at DKOS.
I thought it would be helpful to expand upon some of the feelings expressed in that diary, considering the problems I am still enduring, even though three years has passed since my father's death. Before I get to that, I would like to describe the physical changes I saw happen to my father. This is very difficult to write about, and gets to the center of my depression and anxiety.
His hair lost it's sparkle.
His skin turned gray and marble like.
His skin slackened and fell.
His skin was slightly cool to the touch.
AND WORST OF ALL, HIS IRISES WERE DEVOID OF COLOR.
There was no way for me to know this would happen, I am not a medical professional. I was so shocked. I was expecting to look into his gorgeous, beautiful, huge, navy blue eyes, one last time. I cannot get this image out of my mind. There are others as well:
Him suddenly sitting up in bed and clutching his chest.
Later, at his home, the garage door was still open.
The music was playing.
The kitchen chair was turned over, and the table pushed aside.
One shoe was left untied on the floor.
There was an open bag of bread with melting butter on the kitchen counter.
The lights were still on.
And one of the worst, when I got to my home, his birthday card was propped up, ready to be sent out. These are the things I cannot forget. When I go to bed at night, a feeling of dread washes over me. It feels like something bad is going to happen, and I am powerless to do anything about it. This happens pretty much every evening. It is a scary way to feel. It is like i am underwater, looking up from the depths. I feel awful most of the time, but for some reason, it seems to be worse in the middle of the night. I hate going to bed. I just stare at the ceiling, or out the window.
I am always sad when I hear the train whistling through town at night. My dad loved trains, he was a model railroader, and had a whole town he had built. I was so devastated when i had to dismantle his train town with my husband. Now I have boxes of his trains, stored in my closet, getting dusty.
I apologize if I have triggered bad memories for any of you out there.