Today I took my friend Blue over to meet the garage landlord. She was not impressed. She advised me quite strongly that I would be making a terrible mistake, and I should keep looking, because living there would be little better than being homeless. Then we returned to her house and consulted one of her roommates, who, upon hearing of the conditions, agreed with Blue and pointed out that I still have a month—although one of the men who lives here was harassing me, and I’m afraid he might start again. The girls assured me I’d find something more suitable in time. The elderly guy had offered to move his bed into the living room of his one-bedroom house and let me have the bedroom. But the one bathroom is off the bedroom. Still, if I don’t find something right away it would be, as Blue said, “out of the weather.” She grew up homeless and has lived and suffered in situations just like that, she says. “I can’t let you do that,” she said.
It’s kind of hard to let go of an idea you’ve gotten pretty invested in, but I let go of this idea quite easily. I know I don’t always make good decisions—too trusting, not good at judging people, not socially intelligent. And I know that many times I have wished that I had listened to my friends when they said, “Have you lost your mind?” Blue is right; it’s not suitable. It’s not habitable. There aren’t enough blankets at all the Goodwills in town to insulate that place.
I tried not to get too upset, and I didn’t. I only cried a little bit. Then I stopped at the cat rescue thrift shop, where you can pet cats while you look around, and bought a little needlepointed cat for 25 cents. I will make it into a little bag wallet. That distracted me. Then I came home and reposted my craigslist ad, being clear about my financial situation. Already I have heard from one person.
I am trying not to be harsh with myself for making a mistake. But there was a time I would have followed through on my stupid ideas just because I’m stubborn. Now I can save myself all the hassle and pain that trying to do the wrong thing would cause. And so it’s okay.
I think becoming a home care worker for Oregon Senior & Disabled Services is still a good idea, even if I go back to work for the agency. I didn’t know that was possible, to be a free agent. I’m sure I can handle the paperwork better than my agency does. It pays better too, to be independent.
All of this is still going to be rough for a while. I made a mistake because I wanted so badly to be safe. I’ve got to cope with uncertainty a little while longer. Thanks for reading.
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