Depression can affect anyone at any time and is often very misunderstood — especially by those who’ve never experienced, it. People often say to a friend or family member going through depression, “Snap out of it!” or “Go out—have some fun—think happy thoughts!” But depression is not something you can think away when it hits. According to the World Health Organization, 350 million people around the world suffer from depression with 14.8 million here in the United States. There are different types of depression caused by genetics, biological factors, physical illness, great loss … there are many triggers and many treatments.
Button Poetry brings us this clip of one young woman trying to explain her feelings of depression to her mother. It’s heartbreaking, but the good news is there is help.
Here is Sabrina Benaim: “Explaining My Depression to My Mother”:
The following is the text of Benaim’s poem in her chosen format:
explaining my depression to my mother
(a conversation)
mom,
my depression is a shape shifter.
one day it is as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear,
the next it’s the bear.
on those days i play dead until the bear leaves me alone.
i call the bad days the dark days.
mom says: try lighting candles.
when i see a candle
i see the flesh of a church,
the flicker of a flame
sparks of a memory younger than noon;
i am standing beside her open casket,
it is the moment i learn
every person i ever come to know will someday die.
besides, mom, i’m not afraid of the dark.
perhaps that’s part of the problem.
mom says: i thought the problem was that you can’t get out of bed.
i can’t.
anxiety holds me a hostage inside of my house, inside of my head.
mom says: where did anxiety come from?
anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town
depression felt obligated to bring to the party.
mom, i am the party.
only i am a party I don’t want to be at.
mom says: why don’t you try going to actual parties. see your friends.
sure, i make plans.
i make plans, but I don’t wanna go.
i make plans because i know i should want to go.
i know sometimes i would have wanted to go.
it’s just not that much fun having fun when you don’t wanna have fun, mom.
you see, mom,
each night, insomnia sweeps me up in it’s arms,
dips me in the kitchen in the small glow of the stove light.
insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company.
mom says: try counting sheep.
but my mind can only count reasons to stay awake.
so I go for walks
but my stuttering kneecaps clank
like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists,
they ring in my ears like clumsy church bells, reminding me
i am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness i cannot baptize myself in.
mom says: happy is a decision.
my happy is a high fever that will break.
my happy is as hollow as a pin-pricked egg.
mom says i am so good at making something out of nothing
and then flat out asks me if I am afraid of dying.
no,
i am afraid of living.
mom,
i am lonely.
i think i learnt it when dad left;
how to turn the anger into lonely,
the lonely into busy.
so when i tell you i’ve been super busy lately,
i mean i’ve been falling asleep
watching sportscentre on the couch
to avoid confronting the empty side of my bed.
but my depression always drags me back to my bed,
until my bones are the forgotten fossils of a skeleton sunken city,
my mouth a bone yard of teeth broken from biting down on themselves.
the hollow auditorium of my chest swoons with echoes of a heartbeat,
but i am a careless tourist here;
i will never truly know everywhere i have been
mom still doesn’t understand.
mom,
can’t you see?
neither do i.
Sabrina’s courage to speak out about depression is not only courageous, she is also helping others and helping to reduce the stigma of mental illness, which so many people experience every day. When we talk about it, we not only find answers for ourselves, but we let others know they are not alone. Prolonged depression and feelings of great sadness can become serious and lead to life-threatening circumstances. The following signs may mean someone is at risk for suicide. When behavior is new or has increased and if it seems related to a painful event, loss, or change, then the risk of someone committing suicide becomes greater. If you or someone you know shows any of these signs below, seek help as soon as possible by calling the Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).
Looking for a way to kill oneself, such as searching online or buying a gun.
Talking about feeling hopeless or having no reason to live.
Talking about feeling trapped or in unbearable pain.
Talking about being a burden to others.
Increasing the use of alcohol or drugs.
Acting anxious or agitated; behaving recklessly.
Sleeping too little or too much.
Withdrawing or feeling isolated.
Showing rage or talking about seeking revenge.
Displaying extreme mood swings.
For immediate help please call 911. With professional help and support, millions of people can and do get better. No one should have to live — feeling like they want to die.